Conversation
by gopie
Summary: Crazy!Wes talks philosophy with Angel. Season 5


Title: Conversation

Angel stood in front of Wesley's office for the third time that day but he told himself that this time he would actually knock. He walked closer towards it and raised his hand, but suddenly he hesitated. Maybe Wesley didn't want to be disturbed. He must have the door closed for a reason. But Angel knew that he had to do this. He had to coax Wesley out of his office and back into the real world. Just like Fred.

Angel knocked twice and waited. When nobody answered, he knocked again. Still it was quiet and Angel decided to take matters into his own hands. He opened the door slowly and peeked inside. Open books were strewn across every available surface – the floor, table, couch and chairs – and made tiny hills around the office.

"Wesley, are you in here?" Of course he was in here. He hadn't left the office in three days.

"Oh Angel, it's you." Came a voice from somewhere inside.

Angel let himself in and closed the door behind him. Suddenly a head popped up from behind the desk.

"What is it, Angel? Did you need me for something?" Wesley asked him as he got up. Angel saw that Wesley's hair was in disarray and his clothes informal. Wesley walked out from behind the desk and Angel found out one more thing – he was barefoot.

"Um, no. Everything's fine, Wes." Angel said as he tried to find a place to sit. He finally opted for moving some of the books from the couch to the floor, on top of some other books, and sat down. "Actually, I came to see how you were doing."

"Me?" Wesley said as he kneeled on the floor and looked at some book while scratching his head, "I'm fine."

Angel sighed and got up, grabbed the book and flung it across the room. "No, you're not fine." He said. He expected Wesley to scold his for mistreating his precious book but Wesley just blandly looked at where it had fallen without saying a word. Then he made himself comfortable on the floor by sitting cross-legged and leaning on the desk leg. He looked at Angel with unblinking contemplative eyes and, after a while, Angel got uncomfortable.

"What?" Angel said.

"I'm just thinking." Wesley said softly. "Would you like to know about what?"

Angel thought that they were finally making progress so he also sat down on the floor. He waved his hand for Wesley to continue.

"I was thinking… about you, actually." Wesley said.

"Me?" Angel asked, confused.

"Well, not you specifically. Vampires. I was thinking… if your heart no longer beats, why does it still affect you? It's a shriveled muscle yet you'd die if it gets staked; turn into tiny pieces of dust. I understand humans, it pumps the blood. But what about vampires? Why do you even bleed? Is it the blood that you drink? But it won't be able to travel through your body without at least your body working, and that requires a beating heart. I know you breathe – like the instances when you are shocked. Why do you? Is it subconsciously?" Wesley asked.

Angel was thinking about what to say to that but Wesley quickly continued. "And why can't you show up in mirrors? I can see you but your presence is not acknowledged by the mirror. Anything else made of solid particles is shown. Does that mean that you're not really here?" Wesley leaned forward and placed his hand on Angel. Angel was startled but didn't move.

"I'm touching you… but then I'm not, because you're not here. But I want you to be here. Is that it?" Wesley asked. "Are all vampires a figment of all our subconscious minds unable to let go of which has already left the earth's surface?"

Wesley stood up and began to pace. He had a frown on and said "But then why all vampires? Why not only the ones that we know? Is it because all the minds in this world are somehow connected?" He stopped for a while and said casually "The sixth sense, so to say."

Wesley began to talk more rapidly. "The unexplainable tingling when you feel someone watching, the sparks when meeting someone you're supposed to be with, knowing that your lover is across the room, and maternal instincts, too. The sixth sense. We all share one mind; everyone is connected. So that means we are all part of something bigger."

Wesley smiled widely as he hit this revelation. "Our lives - a tiny wave in a vast ocean, a fiber in a carpet." Then his expression turned serious. "I believe we can have more than one soul mates; lots. Lots and lots and lots. There's not just one person for everybody. Why do people say that - their other half? Maybe they're actually just one small piece of a pie, a crumb. And you need all lots of other crumbs. It's not just one half anymore."

Wesley suddenly looked sad. "But then that means nobody ever gets the full pie. That's so sad." Wesley was quiet and Angel thought he should finally step in when Wesley suddenly started pacing again and began talking.

"Nothing is ever completely - completely white, completely black. It's always in the middle. Everyone's in the middle. So how about the beginning? The ending? Maybe there never was, never will be."

Then he squatted right in front of Angel which surprised him but Wesley was completely unphased. "It's a constant motion, a circle. Over and over and over; a never ending cycle - we just never realized it."

He stood back up and scratched his head roughly, walked towards his desk and picked up a book. This time his voice was softer. "The minute you're living, you're dying. And what do we know about life after death? People are always saying 'life after death'. It's a cycle all over again – life death life death. Vampires aren't alive, yet they are not dead either. They're the undead, but also the unlife." He looked at Angel with sad eyes. "You're as much alive as you are dead." Then he looked back at his book and spoke at his previous pace. "Right in the middle. Never at the edge. Because there is none."

Suddenly he walked towards a mirror and stared at himself. After a while, he said "They say the eyes are the mirrors to the soul. Shouldn't that mean that all vampires have souls? Or is that why they do not appear in mirrors?" Wesley touched the mirror and dreamily traced the outline of his face. "Because where the soul should be, it's empty, and there's nothing there left to reflect."

He turned back to Angel. "But what about you, then? What's the difference between a man and a vampire? That one does not have a soul? But you have a soul, so what is it? That you do not breathe?" Wesley looked at the book in his hands and turned back to the mirror. "These objects do not breath, so it's not that either."

Wesley dropped his book and it fell with a loud 'thunk' but he seemed not to notice. He continued as he moved around the office in a random pattern, "So what is a soul then - the conscience? Goodwill? Love? But James and Elizabeth loved, didn't they? They were capable of love."

Wesley looked out the window. "Why does the soul only have to be the good, anyway? Didn't anyone ever think that it might include the whole package? Good, as well as evil?" He said angrily.

He sighed. "It's so simple yet so very complicated, never one or the other, no. A beautiful butterfly, that's simple. Until you include looking into its biological anatomy, observe how its body works, analyse its eating habits, sleeping, mating." He piped up suddenly and looked at Angel again "Oh, how about a child's drawing. Simple, right?"

Then his mood turned gloomy just as suddenly as he continued, "But no. Just by analysing the child's strokes, contents and intensity, an expert can make an evaluation about the child's state of mind. Even the way it plays with a simple toy. No, never one or the other. Always somewhere in the middle, in between."

By now Angel was getting used to Wesley's – sort of – topic changes as he said suddenly "The alphabet; human's creation - A to Z, right? One point to the other. No, it shouldn't be like that."

"Like a colour wheel" Wesley began to explain "everything goes back to the same point. Goes round and round, no beginning, no end. Sounds; thousands and thousands of different sounds and they will also all come together, back to one point like a circle. The alphabet isn't right, but it's not wrong either."

He shook his head "Everything comes back to where it never really started. Maybe the straight line was never straight. Maybe it's just a small line to one minuscule piece of a circle. The longest line is actually a microscopic extension of one single area of a large circle. Enormous even. We just never realized that. We're always thinking the things that are supposed to bend are in a straight line. We're just too small to see the bigger picture." Wesley looked confused. "Or too big to see the smaller picture. I don't know which. Maybe it's both."

Wesley sighed. "I'm so tired, but I can't stop now. So many books, not enough time." He said as he looked at all the open pages.

Angel thought that this was finally his cue. "Wes, take a rest. These will still be here tomorrow."

"But-"

"No buts. I need you to go home, and go to sleep. You can work tomorrow." Angel told him. He thought Wesley was going to protest further but suddenly he relaxed.

"You're right, Angel. Ok, I'll go home. I just need to… finish up here." He said.

Angel gave him an encouraging nod and a pat on the back before he turned towards the door.

"Angel" Wesley said as Angel opened the door knob, "You're part of the ocean too, you know. You're not alone."

Angel left the office, leaving the door slightly open. He thought back on Wesley's one-sided conversation. At least he got Wesley to agree to finally leave his office. Although he wanted to believe that the insane ramblings were just that – insane – they kind of made sense.

_I don't know, _Angel thought_. Maybe he is the sanest of them all._

Suddenly Wesley's voice rang out, "Angel? If you see my shoes can you tell them to come back? They walked off without me, those little buggers."

_Or not._

Fin.


End file.
